Saturday, August 13, 2016

Day 60: So Much Going On!!!

August 13, 2016

Hey Friends!  Happy Saturday!  Today I have SO MUCH going on in my head that I really need to "brain dump" some stuff and just talk to you about it!  I've even been having a hard time sleeping lately and maybe you noticed some random Facebook posts at 2:30 am!  Haha! Mostly it's because I'm thinking about so many exciting things on the horizon, but there's also some fears and anxieties that I'm working through.  I must say, I'm doing a pretty good job at navigating through the muck this time, and definitely my fears are quickly being replaced with simply standing in the truth and walking through it, while ignoring the taunts and teases of my fears.  Now that I've created some space between my thoughts, my body easily senses fear and as soon as I realize I'm feeling it, I take some deep breaths and redirect my thoughts.  It's taken some practice but I'm telling you, it totally works!

So anyway, I have been writing now for 60 days, well, with the exception of a few days grouped together here and there, but whatevs!  I've been writing again and I'm learning so much!  I can see patterns in myself and how I start to self sabotage right before a big break through.  Where I used to always raise the bar higher just before I reached a goal, now I stop making my goal a priority and let everything and everyone else come first.  OR the other lovely thing I have found myself doing is making sound decisions based on my current energy level and the current "To Do" items in cue but then later I want to criticize myself and act like I didn't do enough...again!

SAY WHAT????  What's that all about?  I may never know all the reasons WHY I do this, but the great thing about all of it is that this time, I'm writing about it and I'm being more accountable to myself through you (thanks for your help btw!) and since I can see it, I know that I just have to change the way I normally go through it.  And I am!  Big Time! Easy Peasy, Right?  ;)

So here's a little confession. There's this part of me, I think of her as the "Mean Girl,"  and she wants to kick my ass for not staying committed to all my workouts over the last two weeks.  She wants to call me names like lazy and fat. She wants to tell me I'm not trying hard enough and I'm making excuses and if I keep this up, my dreams will never come true.  She wants to shame me into working more, working harder, and feeling guilty all the time about well, pretty much everything. She is a super high maintenance perfectionist and quite frankly, she's completely exhausting! She is never ever satisfied!  She puts down my decision making, my parenting, my house keeping skills, my cooking, my time management skills, my body, how I wife, what kind of friend I seriously goes on and on with the judgement...if I let it, that is!  This mean girl is so desperately insecure and seeking approval that she doesn't even realize, approval is an inside job!  But I know!

This girl may still pop up for me at times, but the difference is, I keep her in her place.  I let her remind me of my drive and the reasons WHY I want to work hard but now I know better.

Now I tell her:

"Shut the EFF UP!!!"  **Note: This is an important first step!**

"I'm not lazy! I'm not fat!  I'm strong!  I'm worthy!  I can do great things, but not ALL things, at least not all at the same time! I'm moving forward!  I know what I want!  I know who I AM!.  I have priorities! I have boundaries! I LOVE MYSELF!!! I'm beautiful!  I'm taking great care of myself, my well being, and my body! I know taking care of myself and my body doesn't mean pushing all the time! Sometimes it means gentle care.  More rest.  More water.  More healthy foods.  More praise. More love.  More appreciation. More softness.  More kindness. More FLOW.  More EASE.  More LOVE.  I don't have to listen to you anymore!  I don't agree with you! You SUCK anyways!!!!"

Gosh that feels good to type it all out here!!!  Hahaha!

It makes it even more real for me because you know what?  I'm tired of being afraid.  I'm tired of holding back.  I'm going to be Forty Fricken Three in 4 days, you guys!  Forty Freakin Three!!!!!  It's not that I feel that's old, I really don't, but at the same time, I have learned a thing or two in my time because I have been through some sh*t in 43 years!

The time is NOW to break through barriers and make things happen!  Or I should say, ALLOW them in co-creation!  Ha!  I may be able to "make" some things happen but there are forces beyond my control that I need to acknowledge and know that "my way" may not be the way it's meant to be.  So it's then that I need to surrender and let things flow as they will.  I know that this seems so confusing sometimes because honestly, sometimes it does to me too, but really all it means is that we do what we can and the rest is up to God/The Universe.

So what is the truth that I need to hold onto here about the last couple weeks?  Did I "fail" as some would call it?  Well, here's what happened:

1. I got bored of my routine.  I needed to mix things up a bit to keep it exciting!
2. I was tired and my feet and left hamstring were really sore, like, borderline injury sore.
3. We had company and I made enjoying them and being with them a priority.
4. I  drank Shakeology and lots of water.  I ate much cleaner with a few exceptions.
5. I did two workouts, went for 2 bike rides and a walk.
6. I cleaned out everyone's closet, and got rid of 2 bags of garbage and 2 bags went to Goodwill.
7. I went back to school shopping for like, 3 days straight!
8. I spent quality time filling my (margarita, wine, beer, and positive energy) cup by seeing "Bad Moms" with some of my mom friends!

So when I reflect on my last two weeks, I really see no reason to shame myself.  I don't see failure at all.  In fact, I feel pretty good about all the stuff I got done!  I'm also pretty proud of myself for resting more when I needed it.  I used to be really hard on myself when I needed to rest (see Mean Girl comments above for a reminder!) but now I just know I need it and accept it.  There's no reason to shame it or judge it!  I just took a break!  Geesh!  No big deal!  I think a lot of people are hard on themselves and need to work on this one!  Do YOU?

Perspective is everything!  I can either use my thoughts and words to destroy my confidence and make me feel like I'm never going to be good enough, OR I can use them to build myself up and give me the strength and courage I need to create a life I love!  At the very least, I can use them to make a shift and feel better in the moment!  (Feeling better in the moment is more important than we realize!) The more I practice, the better I get, and the easier it becomes.  More and more I'm living as my higher self and as I keep learning and growing, and practicing and becoming, I am more connected to everything.  Including You!  I love that, don't you?

Speaking of perspective, here's a little perspective for you.  Here is a picture of me when I finished Turbo Fire 3 years ago.  I was just about to turn 40.  I had lost 7 pounds and weighed in at 130. Normally my goal weight would be 120-125 but I was happy with my muscle tone so the weight wasn't that important to me.  I don't know how many inches I lost but I was wearing a 4/6 and I normally wear a 6.  I was feeling strong, healthy, and good about myself for what I had accomplished.

Here is a picture of me yesterday.  After getting in 6 solid weeks of Turbo Fire and PiYo and then the last two weeks, well, you already know that story!  

When I started I weighed 151 and I felt really bad about that because I was so surprised I gained that much weight.  I don't know what I weigh right now but it's probably around 147 because that's what it was when I weighed myself last.  I haven't wanted to weigh again and risk feeling discouraged since the scale still has a little bit of a grip on me, so I keep weighing to a minimum.  But this is why perspective, PICTURES, and self talk are so important!  If I focused on the numbers only, I would not be able to see what I really look like, which to me, is healthy!  I may not be as lean as I was and I can see that my shorts look a little tighter (and they are) but so what?!?!  I don't look that much different!  Now that I'm more consistent again, I'm getting my tone back and I'm getting stronger.  I feel more energetic and more confident!  Doesn't that count WAY MORE than what I weigh?  I'm now wearing a 6/8, but so what?  That's not a bad thing!  It's only bad if I think it is!

Here's a side by side comparison:

My goals are different now.  I don't even know if I have a weight goal anymore.  I just want to feel my best and keep doing what makes me feel that way.  I know that reaching a certain goal weight is a fleeting feeling anyway.  Been there!  Done that!  Continuously doing things daily to take good care of yourself is what makes a person healthy and happy.  That's my goal for myself and it's also what I help people with as a coach. Most importantly, I want to teach this and model this for my sweet girls! We all deserve to learn that we are so much more than our negative thoughts, how much we weigh, or what our body looks like!  Don't you agree?

So this post has had a mind of it's own and I know I may have been a little around the block and all over the place with it, but you forgive me for not being perfect, right?   Even though I didn't start out having any plans for telling you how much I weigh (Eek!  I'm still kind of shocked that I did that!), or for telling everyone such personal thoughts and insecurities, I'm going to hit "publish" anyway.  I'm just trying to be me and I have to answer that call however it comes.  I know that by sharing my story some may judge me or think differently or maybe even less of me, but some may learn from me. Some may see themselves in me. Some may relate and connect and feel something stirring inside of them. Some may be inspired to work through some of their own stuff and become who they are really meant to be. Some may finally realize how beautiful they are, how strong they are, and how worthy they are of living a happy, healthy, fantastic life!

Maybe that someone is You???!!!

That is the power of truth.  That is the power of connection. That is the power of Just BEing!

Thanks for being here!  Until next time...

Love to You!