Sunday, April 29, 2012

Never Good Enough

It's been awhile since I've written, but I've had a million posts run through my head!  So many things have happened in the last couple of months and it feels like finally, after throwing all the glitter in the air and taking another leap, the pieces are slowly falling beautifully into place.  Or something like that, depending on how I'm choosing to look at things in the moment!

Remember how happy and perfect everything fell into place in my last post?  I was literally walking on sunshine!  I was so totally excited!  When we first moved in, it was perfect.  I put everything in the room it needed to be in and the move was pretty easy.  I scrubbed and cleaned and organized.  I was in heaven.  But it didn't last.

The girls got sick for a couple of days so I had to slow down to take care of everybody.  Then Peanut, our little dog who will be 14 in August, followed me up and down the stairs too many times and started limping.  She needed to be carried up and down the stairs, outside, etc.  She lost her appetite and I seriously had some moments where I thought, "Oh No!  Don't die now!  We just moved into our new house!  I can't lose you now!"  Allison didn't help with her questions.  "Is Peanut going to heaven soon?  Should we give Peanut a bath to get her ready for heaven?"  Seriously, I am NOT ready for Peanut to go to heaven yet so can we please talk about something else?  

Then I noticed how the windows needed to be cleaned and the blinds looked dingy and the weeds needed to be pulled.  I needed to go shopping, do the laundry, and clean out everybody's drawers.  I had to steam clean the carpets, wash all the floors, and the bathrooms needed cleaning again.  Oh and there were birthday presents to buy, and Brad went out of town a few times and this is all in addition to normal everyday life which includes crafts, books, songs, nagging (me: get dressed, brush your teeth, eat your lunch, be nice to your sister, etc.), playing (we had some fun too!) and all the other stuff that we do everyday.  Not to mention the challenges of having a five year old and an almost two year old who are both in their own stages of learning, growing, whining, and testing!  :)  In normal everyday life the days are pretty full.  In "we just moved into a new house" life, there's a million extra things to do and well, the days don't get any longer just because I have more to do!

I kept going but was starting to feel stressed.  I skipped yoga a few times.  Okay, I actually skipped it more than a few times.  I just didn't have anything left in me to do it.  At night my feet were feeling sore and a couple of my toes felt numb and tingly.  Finally the day came where I just couldn't keep the tears at bay anymore.  So I cried.  Then I cried some more.  This doesn't happen too often but when it does, I know I've gone over the edge and I thought, what am I doing to myself?  Where in the hell did all my happiness go?  Why am I letting myself get all whacked out?

I decided I needed some clarity and took some time for reflection.  I grabbed a glass of wine and read some old journal entries.  I love how this happens!  I opened a notebook and found just what I needed.  I came across an entry from 2002.  At the time I felt overwhelmed by life.  I felt like I could do my best all day everyday and it would never be enough.  I could always do more.  I could always do better.  Which led me to feel like I could never do enough and I would never be enough.  This, of course, wasn't good.  It scared me.  It made me wonder if this was what being an adult was going to be like forever.  I definitely didn't want that!

Although I believe that sometimes you need to push yourself to do things in life in order to achieve success, I know now that there's a line that can be crossed.  There's a fine line between motivation and self- sabotage.  I didn't even realize it until I found this book called, Never Good Enough:  How to use Perfectionism to Your Advantage Without Letting it Ruin Your Life, by Dr. Monica Ramirez Basco.

This book was the first "self help" book that I purchased and it really helped me!  I learned how the thoughts I was having about myself and my life were connected to how I was feeling and how I could change.  It helped me to understand where these feelings were coming from and also led me to seek out a deeper connection to the bigger picture in life, to God, The Universe, and spirituality.  Obviously, I'm continuing to learn this because here I am, ten years later, revisiting these lessons yet again!

Why am I suddenly struggling when I was just so happy?  I'm striving for perfection.  I still hold onto the thought that if my house is super clean, and everybody eats perfectly well balanced yummy meals, and my kids are super smart and creative, loving people, and I blog regularly and grow my business, and I see my friends and family regularly, and I pursue my passions, and I do everything PERFECTLY, then I will be satisfied.  I will feel complete.  People will see me as successful and I will see myself as successful.  But I know better than that!  I know life is about the journey!  I know it's about the process!  I know perfection is really a matter of perspective.  I know this stuff!  Hello!  UGH!  Relapse!

My life is what I make it everyday.  I get to choose which lens I will view my life through each day, each moment.  The windows need cleaning, yes, and they will be dirty again as soon as they are clean.  They are windows.  Accept it.  It's not a big deal.  The dishes need to be done, yep, they are dishes.  As soon as they're clean we will eat again and they will need to be washed again.  It doesn't mean I'm a horrible mother, homemaker, person.  Whatever.  If someone comes over and I have a sink full of dishes then they will know we eat.  (How awful!  Really?)  If they judge me, I can't do anything about it.  I probably won't even know!  So I didn't blog for a couple of months, this is true, but my mind is overflowing with ideas and insights.  I'm excited to let them take on a life of their own and here I am, taking the time.  It's all going to happen, it just can't ALL happen at the SAME TIME!!!  It's all good.  No worries!  Things could be so much worse...

When I take away all the self- induced pressure, I feel free.  When I let myself enjoy the process, I do.  When I celebrate the steps, it feels awesome!  When I appreciate my blessings, I see more things to appreciate.  When I let go of the negative judgement, I feel like I can do anything!  This includes my own negative judgements and any judgement I think others may impose on me.  Remember, what other people think about you is none of your business!  Nobody's life is perfect, even if it seems that way from your perspective.  It's all in how we choose to think about our life and it's circumstances that make life wonderful or overwhelming.  It's hard to see sometimes but it really is a choice.

So instead of spending any more time being annoyed with myself for these transgressions, I choose to celebrate the steps.  We really have gotten so much done around the house and had a great birthday party for Allison!  I made it to yoga and have been out for a couple of runs this past week.  I've spent quality time with family and look forward to spending some time with friends.  I have major plans for this blog and my new website that will be coming soon!  We have come so far in the last few years and life keeps getting better.  Now that I know better, I'm doing better.  I'm doing the best that I can.  I am good enough.  I am doing enough.  I am enough.  Period.  And so are you!

Can you relate?  Do you sometimes feel overwhelmed in your life?  Do you fall into this trap where you feel like you're never doing enough?  I encourage you to take some time for yourself to see what's up.  Be still.  Meditate.  Write.  Read.  Pray.  Reflect.  Seek.  Whatever it takes.  Life is meant to be beautiful!  You might find you want to do a complete overhaul in your life or maybe all you need is a simple shift in perspective.  Allow your life to get better and it will!  Know that you are worth it and that it's never too late to make a positive change!  :)  You can do it!

Love to you!
Kristie

P.S.  Peanut is doing much better now!  She has almost stopped limping and is her normal happy self again.  I'm grateful she's not ready for heaven quite yet!  :)